If I could reach up past my epiglottis and disconnect whatever process is responsible for making comparisons, I would. But since I don’t really know what quadrant of the brain my epiglottis is located in, I better just add it to my list of things to consciously steer clear of. Like cauliflower on an empty stomach. Or pineapple. Or going anywhere these days without heartburn tablets.

This pregnancy, there are no comparisons allowed.

Here’s the problem. I’ve only been pregnant once before, so that’s the only mile marker system I have to work from. Except that since I’m having twins, none of those mile markers matter. It’s like going for a leisurely bike ride on a wooded trail one time, and then barreling down the same trail in a jake breaking semi-truck the next. It’s just not the same.

In my last post, I talked about pulling up my big girls pants. Good thing too, because they are the only sort of pants in my closet that fit any more. Belly bands? Those days are long gone. I’m now rocking the full-on 8 inch stretch panel maternity pants with a low-rise profile a fifteen year old would drool over. Well, except that instead of sassy underwear coming out the top, there’s just spandex tubing. Sexy.

The hardest thing about trying not to compare pregnancies is that I did not expect to grow this quickly. I’m totally fine with it, because it means the babies are growing, and that’s one of my pregnancy jobs. Grow babies. So I feel a little sense of accomplishment. But at the same time, I can’t stop comparing where I was size-wise with Ellie at 4 months to where I am with these two. It’s rough.

This experience is unique. I need to remember to treat it as such.

In other news, next week is an ultrasound. Stay tuned for one of the funniest internal pictures I’ve ever seen.

Week 12

I thought I felt a baby kick last night. Granted, it could have also been gas. But apparently you can feel movement much earlier with twins (something about how one baby is generally jammed up on one side of your uterus) and since I usually don’t feel gas bubbles two inches from my hip bone, I’m claiming it as baby movement. I also felt really happy last night, and I just want to bask in the feeling of knowing that one of my little limes is up to doing somersaults these days.

At least someone in this equation feels good.

Some of you have wondered if having twins makes everything double crazy. Here’s what I’ve found so far: I didn’t get morning sickness, but I did get the evening exhaustion. Food is still touchy. Cheerios are my best friends. And as far as being tired, that goes without saying. I’m tired. All. The. Time.

In other news, I’m doing a lot of heavy sighing lately. Jason keeps asking me what’s wrong, and yesterday I had to stop and consider what he meant, because nothing is wrong. Well, nothing except the fact that I get out of breath bending over to pick up Ellie’s sippee cups and nasty yogurt covered spoons, or walking up the stairs. The sad part is, I’m not even big yet. I still look pretty average sized, which means the babies can’t be wreaking that much havoc. Right?

Unfortunately, the answer is yes. My heavy sighs are efforts to regulate my out of sync breath, which is kind of embarrassing and also, apparently, makes me sound like I’m mad a lot. Fun, huh?

So, I am really, REALLY happy to be entering week twelve, which hopefully signals the ushering through to the glorious second trimester zone of joy. (Don’t look at me. Every baby site online has some lame name for the second trimester, so I had to make up my own to avoid copyright infringement.)

Last time around, this is when I got really crazy bursts of energy, snowshoed up a storm, and happily ate a steady diet of various types of pancakes. (PS – check out The Crave. This week I’ll be adding my favorite Dutch Baby pancake recipe. For those of you who are regulars at the Original Pancake House, this should be cause for celebration.)

Meanwhile, here’s to hoping the daily 4:00-6:00pm zone of exhaustion and nausea checks out soon.

In case you’re just stepping in, here’s the scoop. I’m catching us up on my week to week musings on carrying twins. This is week 10, or 1 week after finding out the news.

Week 10

You know the feeling when someone hands you a gift that’s heavier than you think it’s going to be?

There’s that second when your arms jerk a little in their sockets, shoulders tightening against the sudden weight. You wonder what could possibly be inside. And if you’re me, you think you’re probably going to drop the whole thing. The gift inside is going to break in a thousand pieces, the person who handed it to you is going to think you need to spend more time in the gym, and you are going to feel like an idiot. You need a place to put it down, stat.

That was my last week.

Learning that we were expecting twins was an amazing gift. I simply was not expecting it. No one expects things like winning the lottery, or being called in to the doctor’s office to be told they have cancer. It is an all-encompassing shock.

I literally stayed awake that entire first night, spinning scenarios like a spider on speed. We would need to replace my car… again. Buy another crib. Transition Ellis into her big girl bed. Budget for three babies in diapers. Figure out my work situation. Childcare. Daytime activities. Feeding. Find a way to leave the house with all three kids (and my sanity) intact.

I was a laundromat dryer stuck on tumble, my thoughts constantly tangling in new configurations. None of them were positive.

But somehow, today, I have run out of quarters. Maybe I’m exhausted. Maybe God is doing some sort of intervention with my freaked out psyche. All I know is that the spinning has stopped. I have exhausted the angles, and all I want to do is fold up my worries and put them in divine hands more capable than my own. I am trying to stay away from Google searches about just how big, exactly, I am going to get. I am repeating a phrase I hear a lot around the alcohol and drug treatment campus that I work – one day at a time.

Today, I’m good. For the first time, I’m letting myself think about how amazing it will be to have two additional lives in our family. And I can be honest when I say I’m slowly, but surely, getting excited.

So if you haven’t already guessed it, I’m pregnant! Here’s the crazy part – we’re having identical twin girls! *gulp* Right now I’m closing off the 18th week of pregnancy, but I’ve been writing bits and pieces from each week so I’m going to catch you up every few days or so until we are on track. And yes, I’ll post a few pictures soon. Prepare to laugh.

And so, the journey begins.

December 19, 2012: 9 Weeks

If you’ve never seen an ultrasound, it’s a little like the end reel of an old fashioned movie. The sonogram waves pass a picture of your innards onto a computer screen, and everything becomes a series of blips and splashes, blurs and blobs. In the early stages, it’s impossible to imagine that all that movement and mass lives below the unassuming surface of your skin. Then suddenly, the technician holds steady and a picture appears – grainy and beautiful – and a tiny beating heart becomes the center of attention. It is love (and a good dose of awe) at first sight.

I had three ultrasounds with my now 18 month old daughter, Ellis, and each one was more remarkable than the last. So when we found out I was expecting again, the first ultrasound was the moment I most looked forward to.

Granted, the procedure is a little strange. I shook the hand of a stranger, laid down on a gloried roll-away, pulled up my shirt, and waited. My husband Jason sat in the vinyl chair next to the bed. I want to say we waited patiently, but Ellis was along with, so Jason was trying his best to keep her entertained in a dark room, and the ultrasound technician, who started the appointment very chatty had been silent for the last three minutes. Meanwhile, I tried not to pee all over the hospital bed while she dug her sonogram wand across my stomach with mammoth force.

There it was – that tiny, beating heart. I lay still, trying to memorize the baby’s outline. The head was fully formed, and tiny ribs were just visible. Arm buds and leg buds were just starting, and the umbilical cord wound lazily off to the right. I breathed a sigh of relief that all appeared to be well.

That was the calm before the storm.

The ultrasound technician cleared her throat. “I think you two are in for a surprise.” I pulled my eyes off the screen for a moment to read her face, but she was concentrating hard on the computer. Jason and Ellis looked up from their game of telephone. I pulled myself up into an awkward half-sitting position. “Yep,” she said distractedly, her face illuminated by the bluish glow of the monitor. “I think you’re in for a BIG surprise.” My eyes raced across the screen – the little heart was still beating, no alarms were going off, and everything else in the room appeared normal.

“I am almost positive there are two babies in there.”

The laugh that came out of me shook the entire sonogram screen into earthquake waves. We all looked at one another, waiting for the punch line. Jason leaned in to focus intently on the screen. I held my breath, laid back down, and waited as the technician located an angle that clearly showed two gummy-bear like figures, and pointed out their matching heartbeats. She wiped her eyes a second and said, “Well, you just don’t see this every day.  You are definitely carrying two babies.”

I laughed again, confused and amazed. So did Jason. Thoughts of needing TWO OF EVERYTHING immediately started coming. Ellis started crying, confused at the darkness and her cackling parents. Jason reached for my hand. Squeezed. The technician took a few more pictures, this time with an internal ultrasound wand, and confirmed that both babies had their own fluid sacs. Pictures came spitting out the back of the machine, and she handed us complimentary cardboard frames for Baby A, Baby B, and two group shots.

Lord willing, we are about to become the parents of twins.